


The Fires of Calthenion

by Dr_Dragon_117



Series: The Trials of Calthenion [1]
Category: 24 (TV), C89: Delta-Shield, Godzilla - All Media Types, Halo (Video Games) & Related Fandoms, Star Wars, シン・ゴジラ | Godzilla Resurgence (2016)
Genre: C89 is a character for a Halo machinima I hope to make, Crossover, I'm Sorry, I'm bad at fight scenes, Out of Character, bad, this is my first time using archive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-04 14:08:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17306033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dr_Dragon_117/pseuds/Dr_Dragon_117
Summary: OR!How not to tell a storyMe and a friend wrote this in one day, trying to make the stupidest thing we could





	1. Prologue and Chapter One (Being the First Chapter), In which the Main Character Dies

 OF THE SEVENTEEN-THOUSANDTH AGE OF HAMBURGER-PIE,  
IN WHICH TRODGALL OF SECOND MORIA SLEE HUNTER THE YON-MONKEY OF DOOM

 

 

PROLOGUE

A shadow fell across the land. A nameless fear swept through the hearts of heroes, leaving all but one to be the champion of HALTH'KNAAR. This champion's name was Joseph, the son of a farmer. He was considered by many a gangly fool who spent his time dawdling about in the fields. One such day, on the 21st of October, in the third age, a conflagration of magnificent luminosity appeared to Joseph and chose him as the INHERITOR of the FIRES OF CALTHENION. Only he could destroy the PORTAL OF DARKNESS that threatened not just his world, but ALL WORLDS.......... But the DARK TYRANT did something they did not expect.

 

 

 

CHAPTER ONE  
(Being the First Chapter)  
In Which the Main Character Dies

* * *

Jarvis Dudehorn was walking by a cliff where a bunch of unicorns rested. Suddenly, Godzilla appeared and killed them all with his atomic fire breath. Miraculously, Jarvis survived hoping he would get a chance to have revenge on Godzilla, due to the fact that he just saw him slay a bunch of unicorns (this now gives the main character a reason to be a part of this book).

Speaking from experience, that's not too likely to work out well, Mr. Dudehorn.

Using the 'add to dictionary' feature of Microsoft Word 2010, Jarvis took away the annoying, red squiggly lines that marred the beauty of his surname: DUDEHORN. He went on his way again finding a village called Villageville where he bought a sword made of dirt.  (Jarvis isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, if ya catch my meaning). The sword is henceforth named the Godzillaslayer. He bought a pig to ride for his journey and also bought a little bit of food for him and the pig, whom he named Piggy the Horse (Pighorse for short[even though it’s not much shorter a name]). Saddling up, Dudehorn left Villageville with highest hopes of slaying the KING OF THE MONSTERS.

 

......................................................................................

 

Johnny the Pirate-lord was infamous even amongst pirates for his evil evilness and -villainous villainy. Fortunately, he died 17,000 ages of Hamburger-pie ago. He was definitely dead, except not. Johnny breathed in the wonderful sea air while about eighteen fish danced on his head. Finding himself to be bored, he threw a bottle of rum at his first mate and decided to pillage a little seaport called C-Port Villageville.

A kraken rose out of the sea and killed the pirates in the ship next door. The first mate of Johnny the Pirate-lord (9023) chucked the bottle of rum at the kraken, making it quite drunk (krakens don’t have high alcohol tolerance) causing it to forget it was a fish and it drowned.

 

...............................................................................

 

Coconut-puff Lanternflame decided it was late and went to bed in the city of Booktropolis. In his dreams he saw a bunch of stuff of little importance, except for a purple-glowing chicken doing limbo with his telekinetic powers. He woke up disappointed he didn’t have any kind of plot-changing revelation that most cliché books have. He fixed some flughjurty for breakfast. He sat down at his table made of butter and drank his mint-tea coffee. Reading the holographic newspaper, he heard police sirens wailing in the distance. Looking through his water window, he saw a Darth Stanley (named after the least feared of the Sith Lords) floating up above the tallest building in the city. That building, called the Building of Tallness was built in the 1st age of Ghraty the Qwertyuiop who was from a family of gnomes who lived in a rabbit hole where mint-tea coffee was invented…….

 **BACK TO THE** **STORY**

 

Back to the Building of Tallness, which is really just an empty shell of metal with a really high ceiling.

The Darth Stanley was fighting a giant, swirling egg of awesomeness when the police were notified of the situation. The Darth Stanley produced a Crayon-sword of Infinium, which it used to cut up the egg rough. Coconut-puff sighed and wished he didn’t live in such a lame book. He decided to leave.

 

...................................................................................................................................

 

Xarthkinius McMoocow the King-slayer of Giganticalland met a giant called Snaehoegelljokull (Xarthkinius totally hated the name) and they became locked in a legendary ….     **FRIENDSHIP.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111**

 

**...............................................................................................................................................................................................**

 

Jarvis was riding Pighorse when suddenly a writing prompt came to mind. Using his telepathy he didn’t know he had (cause all cliché heroes have powers they didn’t know they had) he sent it to his pals back at PROMPTUARIUM.COM.

Suddenly, a warlord named Gathryfall McUgly threw a meteor at Jarvis for no reason other than the plot demanded an action scene.

Unfortunately, Jarvis didn’t have any training montages, so he had no idea what he was doing. He dove out of the way (I forgot Pighorse momentarily, and I was too lazy to go back and correct the error of no Pighorse, so he just doesn’t exist momentarily). Jarvis died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Godzilla is his Heisei/90s conception. Specifically Godzilla Junior after the events of Godzilla Vs. Destoroyah. ShinGoji appears later
> 
> Yes, I know cephalopods aren't fish
> 
> If this all seems awkward and bad, that's because it is. We wrote this in, like, 4 hours
> 
> A Darth Stanley is a vaguely egg-shaped humanoid with large wings. If I recall my co-author's drawings right, this one has a top hat.
> 
> Xarthkinius McMoocow is an anthropomorphic cow.  
> Well, a bull, I guess, but anyway, he's kind of like a TV-Y-rated Minotaur


	2. (Being the Second Chapter), In which Hogarth Eats Worms

CHAPTER TWO  
(Being the Second Chapter)  
In Which Hogarth Eats Worms

* * *

 

Hogarth Bountyfriend the YouTuber, whose channel was more famous than even GameTheory, was traipsing about through a redwood forest near New San Diego, California in the year 5738, when he saw a bear whose name was Dt. Dt, being the friendly bear he was, offered Hogarth some of his (in)FAMOUS cinnamon rolls.  
“Wow,” Bountyfriend said, barely choking down the first bite, “These are REALLY bad! I mean, worms’d taste better!”  
Dt got so freakin’ mad, he grabbed Hogarth by the throat and shoved his head underground. “EAT WORMS, THEN, YOU ~!@#$#@!@#$%$#@!#$%$#@!@#$%^$#@!@#$%^$#@!#$%$#@#$%^$#@$%^%$#@#$%^%$ OF A !@#$%#@#$%^%$#@#$%^%$#@#$%^%$#@$%^%$#!!!!!”

Then Green Bean the Flip-Flop salesman appeared, out of nowhere, and said, “ You can save 15% or more on Auto Insurance with Geico.”

“Oh, okay,” Dt said, letting Hogarth go.  
When both of the dudes’ backs were turned, Dt got out his shotgun and blasted both their torsos out from them. _They’re_ **dead.**

 

................................................

 

Pighorse, having temporarily disappeared from the plot about seventeen miles from where Jarvis unfortunately died, reminding me of the time my horse in Skyrim flew back to the stables I had recently bought him from. Sadly, the flight killed him. He was sad.

 

......................................................................

 

None could stand in the way of Johnny the Pirate-lord’s unstoppable onslaught. Except for a 4-year-old little girl named Daisy, who shot a plasma-laser from her eyes and mouth, quickly disintegrating not just the pirates, but all of C-Port-Villageville and most of the ocean.

When she could see through fiery, burning, TERRIBLE PAIN!!!!, she saw the carnage she had caused and tried to disintegrate everything with the plasma-lasers. This resulted in a giant ravine being opened in the world and it also resurrected Jarvis. (Daisy didn’t actually try to disintegrate everything, but the plot demanded that we have some kind of emotional, dark scene[in truth C-Port Villageville dropped out of the sky and everything was normal again{except the pirates<they were really dead this time>}]).

Dt found C-Port Villageville and joined the Council of Merchants there, ending up becoming one of the most beloved traders of C-Port Villageville. He also became an evil, villainous, tyrannical dictator which was why he became the most beloved merchant.

 

..............................................

 

Gathryfall McUgly, unwilling to let another bad guy (who wasn’t a Kaiju) enter his territory, made haste to C-Port Villageville, and challenged Dt to a duel. Dt won. (It turns out that Dt can eat meteors and add their power to his own, rendering Gathryfall’s only attack useless[henceforth, Dt brandished his shotgun, and let’s just say there’s not enough of Gathryfall to fill the inside of a pencil {that means he’s dead if you’re wondering}]).

 

........................................................................

 

Jarvis was alive. He knew not what resurrected him, but he knew that his dog was not a knifedog……. or maybe it was. All right, I’ll sate the curiosity. His dog is a KNIFEDOG. Knifedog the Knifedog was brother to Snakedog the Knifedog and they both carried Jarvis to their king, Dogdog the Knifedog. (this chapter seems to no longer be about Hogarth eating worms.)

Dogdog the Knifedog granted Jarvis one and a half wishes. Jarvis wished for a meal and a better sword, one that slew meteors and Godzillas. Since Jarvis’s first wish was a meal, it was the best meal he had ever had. But the second wish granted him the hilt of the best sword ever. He didn’t get a sword blade though because it was a half wish. If he had asked for the sword first he could have slain Godzilla in the end of this book.

 

.....................................

 

Godzilla was wandering the bottom of the ocean (what was left of it), wondering where the heck he was. Earth’s oceans, the ones he was used to, were blue. This strange new land’s were… purple.  
A half-drunk kraken approached. Godzilla roared in excitement, thrilled to see something to kill. The kraken wrapped its tentacles around Godzilla’s torso and neck, trying to keep him from being able to use his fire breath.  
Godzilla started to charge up his beam anyway. Instead of a beam, he loosed his Nuclear Pulse, blasting the intoxicated cephalopod’s tentacles off. Godzilla roared again and blew up the sea monster.

 

.................................................................................................................

 

A crayon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GameTheory was chosen at random
> 
> If Daisy's little "I'm gonna destroy the world!1!1" bit seems a bit off, that's because my co-author originally wrote her trying to destroy herself with the eye-lasers. We both quickly decided that was far too dark, and slapped a different paragraph where the old one was.
> 
> ~!@#$#@!@#$%$#@!#$%$#@!@#$%^$#@!@#$%^$#@!#$%$#@#$%^$#@$%^%$#@#$%^%$ OF A !@#$%#@#$%^%$#@#$%^%$#@#$%^%$#@$%^%$#!!!!! is a recurring curse in this series. We don't know what it means.
> 
> The kraken was said to have drowned in it's Chapter One (Being the first chapter) appearance, but continuity is not this story's strongsuit.  
> ...In fact, nothing is this story's strongsuit
> 
> Dt being beloved because of his tyranical dictatorship is supposed to be a "love" out of fear and stuff, but we didn't focus on it very much because we wrote this in one day


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE  
(Being the Third Chapter)  
In Which  Blue Öyster Cult Concert is Held

* * *

Booktropolis is a really sucky place, which is why Coconut-puff left not only it, but the whole FREAKING UNIVERSE.

            ……………………………………………………………………………..

    “Does your face have a dog?” Dogdog the Knifedog asked.

    “BURN!!!” Snakedog the Knifedog yelled at Jarvis.

    Suddenly, Evil Space Robot Hitler and Darth Hitler McPirateman showed up and vanquished the entire Knifedog civilization and Jarvis Dudehorn.

            ………………………………………………………………………………..

    Lieutenant Colonel MacMillan of the space cruiser TREK was wondering if he could get a Diet Dr. Pepper. His thoughts were interrupted, however, when Sarlongkilthog Greien’t’l’is’h of the GDGI attacked the ship. Everyone died. Except for Astronaut Kitty who began his adventure through space exploring strange new worlds, seeking out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no cat has gone before.

    The first planet he came across had a civilization called the A’tm and their planet they called A’tmar. The planet was full of deep ravines and sandy gorges and the only water that was untouched by the radioactive dust storms was deep underground where only deep-earth drilling equipment could go. They designed their own AIs to go down there and get water, but in truth they were a bored civilization, so they were just watching AIs get eaten by the monsters in the deep water for fun. Astronaut Kitty did not like this planet. He scorched A’tmar with his heat wave vision even more than it was already.

                ……………………………………………

Jack Bauer of CTU was eating a sandwich, when his cell phone rang.  
    “What’s this?” he asked, “I’ve quit CTU like, seven times, and all my friends are dead.  No one wants to talk to me.” He picked his phone up and answered it. “WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?1/1/”  
    He heard a man with a thick accent on the other end. “Hello, you have won the prize to get a trip to the Nigerian Minefields of cookies. You must send in $1,700,000,000,000 to help my son, who is a Nigerian Royalty and trapped in Iceland. Please ignore the fact that I cannot pronounce Nigerian or Royalty. Share this call with 10 of your acquaintances or you will die tomorrow.”  
    Jack got _real mad_ , “LISTEN, YOU !@#$, I’M JACK FREAKIN’ BAUER!!!! I’LL KILL YOUR SON AND YOU AND LAUGH WHILE DOING SO!!!!”  
    “…Sorry, wrong number…” The scam guy hung up.

                ……………………………………………………………………………..

Xarthkinius McMoocow and… his friend, went to a Blue Öyster Cult concert that was playing in Classic-Rocktown Villageville. Xarthy only knew two of their songs, ( _Don’t Fear_ ) _The Reaper_ and _Godzilla_ , and he was looking forward to hearing some more of them.  
    The concert started:

 _With a purposeful grimace and a terrible sound_  
_He pulls the spinning high-tension wires down_  
_Helpless people on a subway train_  
_Scream bug-eyed as he looks in on them_  
_He picks up a bus and he throws it back down_ _  
_ As he wades through the buildings towards the center of town

 

 _Oh no_  
_They say he’s got to go_ _  
_ Go go Godzilla

 

_Yeaah_

 

 _Oh no_  
_There goes Tokyo_ _  
_ Go go Godzilla

 

_Yeaah_

 

_(guitar solo)_

 

 _Oh no_ _  
_ _They say he’s got to go_

_Go go Godzilla_

 

_Yeaah_

_sncvkdnsklcvjdnkvjdnvj_

_Oh no                                   klikhldvskvfgvhjbhfiofibnotkifbgvt,_  
_There goes Tokyo                                              fsdlfjdsilvkdfsjj_ _  
_ Go go Godzilla

 

_Yeaah_

 

And so on.

                ……………………………………………………..

    Maxtor hacked the Pentagon’s firewall in kindergarten. He hacked up his lunch because it didn’t quite agree with him. There was nothing he couldn’t hack. Lunch, the President’s computer, a tree, and a slab of stone. Hack anything.

    Maxtor was bored so he went and visited his Grandmother Minotaur. Maxtor cared very little about his grandmother due to the fact that she ate his children. He was ready. He loaded his M200 Intervention sniper rifle and sniped the wanted monster of a grandmother.

                ………………………………………………………..

AUGUST 2552  
NEW ALEXANDRIA, REACH  
SWORD BASE-DELTA-SHIELD HEADQUARTERS

 

    Agent C89 was wandering around the base one day when he meandered past L52.  
    “Hey, L,” C said, waving slightly, though not letting go of his gun (it is a machinima after all), “How goes it?”  
    L shrugged. “ ‘bout the same. Col. McAwesomeman wants to see you in the briefing room.”  
    “Okay.” C said, wandering off in that direction.

    Suddenly, a portal of darkness opened under his feet and he quickly found himself falling. When he landed, he was in a _really_ weird place, and he was sitting next to an anthropomorphic cow, in the middle of a Blue Öyster Cult concert.

 

_All our times have come_

_Here but now they’ve gone_

_The seasons don’t fear the reaper_ _  
_ _Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain_

_We can be like they are_

_Come on baby (Don’t fear the reaper)_ _  
_ _Take my hand (Don’t fear the reaper)_

_We’ll learn to fly (Don’t fear the reaper)_

_Baby I’m your man_

 

And so on.

                    ……………………………

    Godzilla crawled out of the purple oceans and onto a landmass full of purple and dark gray-colored clay. He called the landmass ‘ROOOAAARRRRR’ and went on his way. The dark skies were flashing with cloud-to-cloud lightning when suddenly a Kaiju the authors came up with called Rafthma attacked him. Godzilla began charging up his Atomic Fire Breath, when out of the blue, Rafthma used a Telekinesis Propellant Attack, blasting Godzilla into the ground.

Godzilla swore which sounded like, “ROOOAAARRR!”

    Rafthma used his Sonic Wing Blast, disorienting Godzilla, using this moment to leap on top of him and throw him into the ground further with his Cyclonic Breath. Through the pain and disorientation, Godzilla began charging up his Atomic Fire Breath again, but Rafthma used his Nightmare Hallucinogen, trying to make him see what he most fears.  
    Rafthma hadn’t seen too many Godzilla movies. The King of Monsters fears NOTHING, and loosed his fire breath, blasting the abomination off of him. Getting on his feet, he slammed his massive tail into Rafthma’s arm, snapping it off. But what Godzilla didn’t know was that Rafthma had a Regeneration effect, which allowed him to begin rapidly re-growing his arm.

The Kaiju used his Pyro-Bolts and the Telekinesis Propellant Attack to ward off Godzilla. But Godzilla was not to be stopped. He bested onward through the onslaught of Rafthma, nearing him sluggishly. When he was close enough to blast him into oblivion with his Atomic Fire Breath, Rafthma opened up gill-like structures in his torso and unleashed his ultimate power: the GAMMA-RAY BURST.

    This final resort attack had killed countless enemies. Rafthma’s psychic vision couldn’t see through the bright green-yellow light, but he was sure his new foe was beaten. He was quite surprised when the dust cleared, and a _very_ angry face was _inches_ from his.  
    Godzilla let out an angry roar, and, adding the Gamma-Ray (which he had absorbed) to his own strength, let out his red Spiral Ray, blowing his enemy apart.

            ………………………………………………………………………..

    Knifedog the Knifedog awoke in a pile of rubble, dust clinging to his eyelids. Knifedog the Knifedog hauled himself off the ground and spotted his brother a few feet away. He padded over and sniffed the cold body of his magnificent brother Snakedog the Knifedog. Snakedog the Knifedog was dead. Knifedog the Knifedog did not care that Dogdog the Knifedog was dead. He also did not care that Jarvis was still alive and standing behind him. He howled his misery to the skies, vowing he would vanquish Evil Space Robot Hitler and Darth Hitler McPirateman.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sarlongkilthog Greien't'l'is'h, the GDGI, C89, L52, Col. McAwesomeman, and X23 (who is mentioned later) are all characters in a Halo: Reach machinima I eventually want to try to make. C is a gold & yellow Spartan with a silver-visored Mk V helmet
> 
> BÖC, please don't sue us for use of your lyrics
> 
> Remember Maxtor, he's important in the sequels
> 
> Rafthma is a humanoid kaiju, with a featureless head, save a small (comparatively) hole for a mouth. It sees through use of psychic powers (or something), and images are presented to it's brain kind of like in Halo 3, when the Gravemind is talking to you. It has long, thin arms, with two digits each, large wings, a short tail, and the weird chest beam vent deal, which is "gill-like" in appearance only


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR  
(Being the Fourth Chapter)  
In Which Pighorse and Coconut-puff meet and in which also   
the Forum of the Forerunners is Discovered

* * *

Pighorse plodded over to a stream where a tribe of pink-dyed soda bottles lived. Pighorse had known the Pinkbottle Tribe since about the 11,000 th age and he and the chieftain Zerlaion were  BEST friends.  (cow noise). Well, they were friends 6,000 ages ago. By now, Zerlaion was evil and crazy and wanted some bacon. All the bottles got out their spears and such and started charging the pig, when suddenly, a small blue portal opened and Coconut-puff stumbled out, shattering Zerlaion by complete accident. This scared the bottles out of their wits, and sent them packing.   
“What the heck?” Coconut-puff said in exasperation, “this isn’t the Land You’ve Never Heard Of.”   
“Oink,” Piggy said.   
“Oh, a pig,” Coconut-puff said… “That’s… a thing…”   
Noticing the saddle still on Pighorse’s back, Coconut-puff climbed on and rode him in no particular direction.

……………………………………………………….

Dt was disappointed, his monster, Rafthma, had been beaten. He had hoped to be one of… like, three people to kill Godzilla (31 movies, and he’s lost only… 4-ish times!!!). Suddenly, there was a knocking at the door.   
He gestured to one of his dudes, who opened the door partway.   
“Wha’d’ya want?!” the dude asked, looking down at the apparently four year old kid at the door.   
“Your head on a pike,” Daisy said, smiling sweetly, then firing her death beams at the dude, blasting open the door.   
Dt got up off his throne of insanity. “Great, a kid with laser eyes. Guess its time to reveal my  TRUE FORM !”   
The bear started growing, and tentacles started growing out of its hide. Suddenly, the Flood Gravemind stood before her.   
“I’d normally say something that rhymes,” Dt said, “But I can’t think of anything that rhymes with DIE!!!”   
And he lunged forth.

…………………………………………………………..

C89 walked out of the concert arena, Xarthkinius following him (the concert was still happening, and they were doing _Don’t Fear the Reaper_ for the, like… 16th time). Out of nowhere, he heard a faucet going like, “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH”.  
Drawing his Needle Rifle, he started following the sound. Chucking a grenade down the random water fountain, he combat rolled backwards. From the wreckage of the exploded drinking fountain, the monster Orga appeared  
“Well… dr@t!” C89 said, opening fire on the monster, to little effect. _If only there were a convenient plot device. Wait a minute, this cow’s got a giant._ “Hey cow!”  
“It’s Xarthkinius,” Xarthkinius said, “But my friends call me Xarthy.”  
“Yeah, whatever, get your giant to help!”  
“Okey-day! Hey… friend… fight the other guy,” Xarthy called to… the giant.  
Snaehoegelljokull charged at Orga, slugging the alien creature in the face. Orga unhinged his jaw swallowing Snaehoegelljokull’s largely deformed fist, causing the giant to use his defensive Rot-breath feature. Orga stumbled backwards, slashing blindly at Snaehoegelljokull, catching the frost giant in the face, knocking him to the ground. This gave Snaehoegelljokull the advantage though and he used his ice spike fist, stabbing it into Orga’s foot. Orga roared in pain, swiping viciously at the giant’s face (we will now begin shortening Snaehoegelljokull’s name to Jokull) catching him in the eye. While Jokull howled, Orga began charging his shoulder laser cannon. In a last ditch effort, Jokull lunged at Orga, tackling him to the ground. Pulling hard, Jokull pulled a large chunk of rock out of the ground (how convenient) and began repeatedly slamming it into Orga’s face. _BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!_

Jokull unhinged Orga’s jaw forcefully, breaking it, then continuing the pummeling.   _BAM!BAM!BAM!_ _BAM!_ _BAM!_ A near-dead Orga fired his laser, blasting the giant’s arm off. The alien monster started to run away, his stolen Organizer-G-1 gene trying to heal his severe injuries, when a blast of blue struck him in the shoulder.  
Godzilla, King of the Monsters, had arrived, remembering an earlier battle, when Orga had stolen his DNA. Godzilla grabbed the injured Orga, forced his newly repaired jaw open and fired his Atomic breath down the alien’s throat, disintegrating most of his upper torso.  
C nodded slightly. “That. Was cool.”  
The music changed from _Don’t Fear the Reaper_ to, of course, _Godzilla!_  
Jokull put his arm against his stump, reattaching it with ice (would that work?)

……………………………………………………………………………

Jarvis and Knifedog the Knifedog walked down the road, pursuing the Hitlers. Jarvis wielding a plasma-staff he found in the wreckage of Knifedogland the Knifedogland, Knifedog the Knifedog wielding a shoulder-mounted MA5D assault rifle. Suddenly, a green plant that looked like a giant prairie dog attacked them with weird, gold glowing needles. Jarvis was hit and killed before he could use his plasma staff. Knifedog the Knifedog opened fire on the plant with his MA5D assault rifle, blasting it into nothingness. Then using Jarvis’s half-sword, he healed him and revived him.

On they went…

Suddenly a door appeared and they walked through not even slightly wary of it. (They’re just rollin’ with it at this point. They’ve seen some pretty weird stuff by now, so…)Inside the other side of the door, for they were inside was a Forerunner forum. Neither they nor I know what a Forerunner forum is.

…………………………………………………..

Astronaut Kitty discovered another planet with a civilization called the N’gakh’tju,

calling their planet Jarkziil’n. They spoke of a horror of the deep, a red monster. Fishermen went out to the sea and were consumed by EBIRAH, HORROR OF THE DEEP.  Astronaut Kitty dove into the water and cooked Ebirah and ate some RED LOBSTER!!! Astronaut Kitty then left Jarkziil’n and discovered Jarvis’s planet, not knowing what he was getting himself into. A whole crapload o’ mess.

…………………………………………………..


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE  
(Being the Fifth Chapter)  
In Which Dt Reigns Supreme

Daisy fired her death beams at Dt, blasting off one of his tentacles. Shrieking in pain, he grabbed Daisy and threw her across the room.  
“Something something something thing,” he said, “Something something rye. Something something something something, something something DIE!”  
He picked up the unconscious toddler and threw her into the sea. Then, an artificial hill near the town opened (there was a hidden bunker under it), and another Rafthma, this one infected by the Flood, took flight (using a weird jet pack thing, not the wings the original Rafthma had) from the cavern, heading to Classic-Rocktown Villageville.  
Godzilla, C89, Xarthkinius, and Snaehoegelljokull were rockin’ out when Flood Rafthma appeared and landed on the stage, letting out a distorted roar. Godzilla got up out of his seat and roared, thinking this Rafthma was the one he’d killed earlier. He took it as a personal insult that this strange monster would survive him killing him. Rafthma fired his Firebolts into the audience, sending them and the dudes of the BÖC running away.  
This new Rafthma had a few new tricks up his sleeve (like the weird jet pack I can’t really explain). Among them was a large pod on his shoulder, which opened like some grotesque flower, releasing millions of flood spores. C expertly throws a grenade into the pod, damaging it and cutting off the supply of spores.  
“Godzilla!” he yelled, “See what you can do with those spores!”  
Godzilla fired him beam at the spores (there may have been a few… accidental casualties), burning up most of them.  
Jokull charged Rafthma, grabbing at one of its hands, ripping it off (one downside of being a Flood is you’re easier to damage). Rafthma, enraged, used his Nightmare Spit on Jokull. Through Jokull’s eyes, Rafthma became a massive creature made entirely of fire (Jokull, being a frost giant, fears fire).  
Rafthma used his other hand, wrapping his Flood tentacle things around his neck, piercing the skin. Using his damaged shoulder pod, he sent a few infection forms into the neck holes.  
Rather than let his ally become an enemy, Godzilla approached the battling giant and Rafthma and fired his Atomic Ray indiscriminately. Knowing he was in a bind, Rafthma (not having been told about his previous member), released an upgraded version of the Gamma-Ray, destroying most of the arena. C had borrowed X23’s dropshield and used it to protect himself and Xarthkinius. Godzilla absorbed the energy and shot another Spiral Ray, killing Rafthma, Jokull, and anyone else who was still in the arena who didn’t have a dropshield. Like that ant. And that bird.

…………………………………………………………………………………………

Pighorse and Coconut-puff rode through Yet Another Villageville and stopped at the inn when suddenly the WHITE BUS OF DESTRUCTION rode into town destroying everything. Four missile launchers, a gauss cannon, one cannon, multiple assault rifles, two miniguns, twenty-four fifty cal. Machine gun turrets, and laser beams; this WHITE BUS OF DESTRUCTION was truly destructively destructive through destructively destructive destruction. Unfortunately for this busload of terrorists, they drove past Jack Flippin’ Bauer, who for some reason had a Spartan Laser and was in LOCUS armor. 

Bauer charged his Spartan Laser and blasted the WHITE BUS OF DESTRUCTION, destroying the drivers and everything it believed in. Jack walked over to Pighorse and Coconut-puff. Putting his weapon on his back, he said, ”Stick with me. Things are about to go down.”

……………………

Jarvis and Knifedog the Knifedog stood inside the alien structure, wondering what it was when Heirloom of Knowledge and Power the Forerunner showed up, frightening them. Aiming his plasma staff at Heirloom, Jarvis fired, but Heirloom of Knowledge and Power stopped the blast of plasma with a focus of gravitational levy and threw it into the wall left of him. Floating over to the strange companionship, he grabbed the plasma staff from Jarvis and put it into some weird beam-floaty thing. In the plasma staff’s stead, he gave Jarvis a binary rifle that was used during the Promethean Wars of 2684. General Equilibrium Grants Hopeful Legacy wielded it with their second greatest artifact which they called the ‘Conductor’.

Anyways, Jarvis and Knifedog the Knifedog were confused and left pondering what had just happened. Knifedog the Knifedog’s conclusion was precise.

“We have no idea what just happened in there.”

So they went on their way towards the remnants of Classic-Rocktown Villageville where C89, Xarthkinius, and Godzilla waited.

……………………………………………………..

Dt ( in bear form) was marshalling his forces for the march on the Remnant. His forces consisted of Space Rafthma, Hydro-Rafthma, and Primevellia (a primeval version of Rafthma[basically just Rafthma covered in patches of fur and having horns]). A whole bunch of Unggoy were also on his side. The Unggoy General Slikdaz, armored in STORM armor, spoke in his Unggoyish tongue, commanding his army to follow him or Dt. They all boarded an Unggoy space cruiser loaded with Flood Juggernaut Forms in the cargo bays. Dt smiled while his armorers prepped him. They were on the path of  **WAR.** He sat on his throne on the Unggoy space cruiser mountain and waited.

…………………………………………………………

Daisy awoke deep in the purple oceans ( at least what was left[ she vaporized it and all]). Shaking her head, she assumed her battle form. A twenty-three year old woman with plaited brunette hair and forest green eyes. Steel armor encased her and the broadsword on her back glowed magenta with a faint hum. Looking up with the cliché look of satisfaction and “I’m awesome”, she burst forth from the violet waters, spraying droplets and squid gore everywhere.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flood Rafthma's weird and I don't know how to describe him. I will update this note if we ever find my co-author's drawing of it


	6. Chapter Six (Being the Sixth Chapter) and Epilogue

CHAPTER SIX  
(Being the Sixth Chapter)  
In Which the Armies of Dt reign havoc upon the Plain of War,  
Which is in turn the Most Cliche name any Authors could Ever Come up with  
[In other words, the **ENDGAME** ]

* * *

Jarvis and Knifedog the Knifedog headed towards the Plain of War, knowing that Godzilla would be there, which is of course extremely cliché. Suddenly, a blue portal opened beneath their feet and sent them to the Plain of War where Godzilla, C98, Xarthkinius McMoocow, Jack Bauer, Pighorse, and Coconut-puff Lanternflame waited, drawing their battle plans.

“Can we join you?” Knifedog the Knifedog asked.

“Sure,” Xarthkinius replied.

“GODZILLA!! I FACE YOU!! I AM HERE TO DEFEAT YOU!!” Jarvis YELLED.

“ROOAAAARR!!!” Godzilla roared.

Jarvis aimed his binary rifle at Godzilla…

  
  


FLUGHJURTY

The Complete Guide to Your Favorite Breakfast Food

Flughjurty looks like hash browns, tastes like coconut, feels like paper, and smells like salt. It is so delicious I decided to compile this guide to it. The first ingredient is shattered glass, which can be found in any trash can in New York City. The second ingredient is grapefruit juice which can be found at Wal-Mart. The third ingredient is a badminton shuttlecock which can be found in Wal-Mart too. The fourth ingredient is a computer mouse which can be found in Wal-Mart also. The fifth ingredient is fingernail clippers which can found at any given Dollar General. The sixth ingredient is a portion of my hair which can be found on my head. The seventh and final ingredient is Mjolnir the hammer which can be found on Asgard with Thor. Flughjurty was first begun in the 3,450 th age when Johnny the Pirate-lord was bored and threw a bottle of rum at his first mate 9203 and a kraken ate a jungle tree where all chipmunks live.

 

Oh, back to Jarvis’s fight. BORING! Godzilla won, of course. But then he was revived by the sword hilt and said, “I’m the hero and main character of the story, so you have to let me join your club.”

Suddenly, the Unggoy cruiser appeared on the horizon and the Remnant feared.

The Unggoy cruiser fired on them, scorching the earth and creating an atmospheric disturbance in space….

………………………………………………………..

Astronaut Kitty was suddenly blasted backward through by an atmospheric disturbance. Figuring it was a war, Astronaut Kitty flew down to the surface and met the Remnant. The Rafthmas were being released and so were the Flood Troll Forms and the Unggoy army. Suddenly, Evil Space Robot Hitler and Darth Hitler McPirateman showed up and were shotgunned by Dt.  Knifedog the Knifedog got angry because his revenge was taken away by Dt and he had wanted to avenge his brother, Snakedog the Knifedog. 

Astronaut Kitty watched as Knifedog the Knifedog charged Dt and was mercilessly shotgunned by him.

“That’s too bad,” C98 said.

The Rafthmas then became locked in an epic battle with Godzilla. Space Rafthma blasted him with his blue plasma, Hydro-Rafthma blasted him with radioactive and boiling water, and Primevellia used his brute strength to pummel Godzilla. The Unggoy began fighting the Remnant and the Flood Troll Forms did too. 

Astronaut Kitty became bored watching, so he pulled out his MR-2 Chain Rifle and began slaying enemy Unggoy and Flood. Dt emerged from off his throne and began shotgunning everything, even his own army. It appeared that Dt was beginning to win when a flash of light blinded all of them and Daisy appeared in battle assumation, her sword Rhindilliosr in hand. 

…………..

Dt and Daisy became locked in legendary battle, hacking at each other savagely. Dt saw that Godzilla had killed Hydro-Rafthma and had drastically weakened Primevellia. The Unggoy were considering retreat and the Flood Troll Forms forces were dwindling. Even his strength began to languish from Daisy’s onslaught.

Blocking yet another savage blow from Rhindilliosr, his shotgun suddenly broke. In a blind rage he propelled her away.

“NO!” he roared.

Leaping successively and yelling so too, Dt raged.

“ _ I! _ _ AM! _ **_DT!_ ** ” he bellowed.

Turning his head toward the sky, he let forth a beam from his mouth that made a portal of darkness into the sky.

“ I AM THE DARK TYRANT!!  DT!! JOSEPH, SON OF THE FARMER, YOU WILL NOT BEST ME!!”

“You’re right. I will.” Rhindilliosr suddenly pierced through Dt’s back.

“N-n-n…NOOOOOOOO!!!!!”

Dt suddenly burst into purple flame, causing the enemy to retreat. Godzilla finally vanquished Space Rafthma, but the Portal of Darkness was still there and it had begun consummation of their world. Suddenly, Daisy, Overcome by a mad ambition thought herself the ultimate life form and noticed a giant silver Godzilla mech with a green sheen. Hopping inside she used her magenta plasma-laser beams to blast Godzilla. But  _ Godzilla _ was not be bested. He charged his Spiral Ray which was now the Viridescent Ray of Doom, due to all the gamma-rays he had absorbed. The mech melted and so with it went Daisy the randomly and suddenly power-hungry.

Xarthkinius ate a hot dog.

………………………………………………….

Jarvis watched in horror as the Portal of Darkness of Dt who was really the Dark Tyrant consumed his world. All of a sudden, the hilt of the best sword he had been given to kill Godzilla began glowing blue……and he knew.

“The hilt was to destroy the Portal of Darkness,” he yelled in a cliché-y and cheesy revelation. “The hilt was sent by the Messenger of the FIRES OF CALTHENION!”

Taking Astronaut Kitty’s jet pack, he flew to the center of the Portal of Darkness and threw the hilt, extinguishing the wormhole in the blue FIRES OF CALTHENION.

And very luminously, blinding blue light.

  
  
  


Epilogue

\------------------------

Out of the blue light came a celestial being who could only be known as Calthenion.

His voice was soothing and warmed Joseph (Jarvis) to the core of his soul, “You have done well, INHERITOR. Everything is as it should be. As you well know, I am Calthenion, Keeper of the Forge of Lamaggdrisil. You, INHERITOR, have done what you were chosen to do. You INHERITED my flame and vanquished the Dark Tyrant. I now give you the rest of the blade.”

Suddenly wielding a magnificent greatsword, Calthenion passed it into Joseph’s hands.

“This is Hultriitisar, brother blade of Domestone of the Forges of Jheuresicall. It is your INHERITANCE, and I give it to you willingly. You have earned it most heroically……kind of, and you will be the guardian of the is dimension for many more ages. You INHERITOR Joseph are the vassal of the FIRES OF CALTHENION.”

……………………………

The vision faded leaving Joseph just outside a town called Morret Shire (Villageville). He breathed in deeply satisfied it was over when……..

Shin Godzilla appeared on the horizon, spines glowing. Joseph saw fire begin to erupt in Shin Godzilla’s mouth when he said, “Uh-oh.”


End file.
